Updated: Nov 18, 2021
From the moment I saw you everything made sense and nothing did.
How could I never imagine life before someone I just met?
The months swallowed the weeks and the weeks would swallow the days until they were a pit in my stomach of longing for them back.
Even when blue there was still beautiful you.
I started to accept the days of having nowhere to be, they stopped feeling like cancelled plans and I began to rest into it knowing in my heart that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, but I wondered when things would feel a bit more natural for me.
I would watch other mothers with their babies, I wondered if I would take you in my arms, predicting your movements like they did. Opening myself up in the exact shape of your fall. I didn’t know that this was us already, that some things aren’t learnt, some just are.
I’d beat the sun every morning, as it would stretch it’s arms I’d be imagining the moon. I couldn’t fall asleep anymore anyway, I sort of lay there with closed eyes in anticipation. Sleep trying to pull me down and my thoughts of you keeping me up.
Comments felt more like prods, “how is he sleeping”, “how is the feeding”, “You really should be doing this”. I wanted to unhook the words from under my ribs.
I felt everything so much more, maybe you do when you’re shedding the girl of yesterday, maybe you’re meant to.
You can’t numb one thing if you want to feel the best of everything.
Everything was so wonderful, how dare it rain inside when the sun is shining?
“I’m fine”, I would say, always speaking for my future self.
There’s no way to describe it really.
But the irony is, neither of us could have got through it without each other.