• Jessica Urlichs

Holding My Breath



Tears fall more freely since we met.⁠⠀

But in some ways, free is also what I feel.⁠⠀

Which seems strange to say,

when I once used the word ‘trapped’, to describe a bad day.⁠⠀

Or the fact that I can’t leave the house with only a few items anymore.⁠⠀

Or do anything actually without a detailed plan of ‘how’ and ‘when’.⁠⠀

But you freed me in the ways that matter.⁠⠀

⁠⠀

My eyes are open.⁠⠀

My mind is wild.⁠⠀

All of me is alive.⁠⠀

Even if I feel like I’m hanging by a thread some days.⁠⠀

My roar is no longer a tickle in my throat.⁠⠀


Sometimes we head to the park, just you and I.⁠⠀

I throw out a blanket and get out some small toy that rattles.⁠⠀

It’s just us.

Nowhere else to go, nothing to do.⁠⠀

You’re so small, I wonder if you even know it’s not our backyard.⁠

But this is me, trying to leave the house.⁠⠀

This is our season, lost and found all at once.

Alone in the park, with my gigantic bag.⁠⠀

Free to the hours I’ll soon miss.

⁠⠀

We’d stare at each-other a while longer, “time to go home now”, I would say.⁠⠀

⁠⠀

It sounds like a lot to live up to,

You being my world and all.

But you don’t have to do much other than just be you.

That’s the beauty of it really.

And I’ll just be me too.

Because she is who you need.⁠⠀

⁠⠀

I haven’t forgotten the loneliness,

I’ll never forget the love.⁠⠀

You’ve freed my heart to love like never before.⁠⠀

⁠⠀

You freed me in so many ways.⁠⠀

Except the air in my lungs.⁠⠀

I’m still holding my breath,

Maybe I always will.⁠⠀

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