Have you ever felt a need to protect yourself from love? Maybe you’ve been hurt before so when everything feels so right, ugly thoughts of rejection and loss would appear? In the past I found it hard to love completely, or completely accept love. Not because I didn’t feel it, I felt it more than ever and sometimes with that brings fear.
So when I had children and suffered postnatal anxiety this was something I really had to work through.
For the corners of my heart to feel love completely required surrender from every piece of my body. It’s all consuming to allow yourself to feel something you couldn’t live without.
My children colour in the past, present and even my future memories. Yet I find myself holding my breath.
My heart wanders outside of my body daily and it lets in the cold air when it leaves.
I know I have roads to travel and pieces of my past to explore in depth.
Because I want my children to know that you have to be vulnerable to let love in fully.
Have you ever just looked into your child’s eyes, like really held their gaze when they speak, and you’re listening, but really just laying yourself bare in front of them, utterly inlove?
When I lean into those moments, I lean hard, I lose balance, but only for a second.
Because nothing is more beautiful than loving fully.
And nothing is scarier.
And I’m learning to hold hands with the two, day by day.