Someone commented on a post of mine, “motherhood is not that hard, be positive”.
Well, Janet... I am glad that motherhood was a breeze for you, and maybe it is for some.
I’ve found it hard, I won’t lie.
I am in love with my children to no end. As much as I desperately needed to find the ‘me in mum’ I also never felt complete without them, and it was hard reconciling that. Detangling myself when I also didn’t want to.
The second their beating heart was placed on my chest the weight of it hit me. Everything that seemed easy before suddenly didn’t.
My moods and emotions were wrapped in them. Every decision, every action had worry or guilt attached. It’s not simply “looking after children”, it’s looking after your heart outside of your body.
And my husband... I would meet his gaze and melt into a puddle of love and appreciation. Other times I simply did not want to be touched. Who did I belong to? My skin was so so needed. Too needed.
Everyone leave me alone.
We chose our own responsive path to them, blocked out the voices so we could listen to our own. We figured out that “right” was what was right for us. We were best friends once I thought, and I realised we still were, closer even. We got through some rough nights but it was hard, so hard.
I had always been a hard worker and very goal driven, my husband would come home telling me about his work stories and I’d be covered in spew, an absolute mess not wanting to hear a word of it. I felt like I had changed. I loved being a mother, I loved them, but I still missed parts of me before them.
I just didn’t realise they were coming back bit by bit
changing and growing,
becoming.
Because you don’t when you’re in the thick of it.
You don’t when it’s hard.
It’s Ok to feel.
It’s healing.
Some moments will feel impossible, and some will ground you more than you ever thought possible.
Yes it can be hard, acknowledging it doesn’t have to be.
It doesn’t demote the love you have for them.
Or take away from how beautiful it is.
It doesn’t mean you’re failing.
One thing I know, is that nothing worth it is ever easy.
And nothing for me has been more worth it than motherhood.