One of 'Those' Days
Sometimes it feels like my patience is wearing thin. I can feel it bubbling up inside me, one more scream from one of them and I’ll probably scream back.
I remind myself about pulling myself back to the present, enjoying each and every moment. I can hear them yelling for me, I can hear the million things swirling round in my head. The push and pull of being present and being 5 steps ahead too. Sometimes I just need to go to another place entirely to deal with being present.
I think about self-care, me the empty shelf just waiting to be restocked. In this season of being so needed I wonder if we should talk about self care being blasting music in the car on the way to supermarket or getting through an episode of a series before one of them wakes. It’s not retreats and face masks for all of us, not quite yet. (Even though crap on my face with a glass of wine sounds 👌🏼)
Sometimes when my husband walks in from work I can see he’s already recognised my expression to know what kind of day I’ve had. I want to shrug off his embrace as if it’s his fault, that knee jerk silly resentment. Even though I wouldn’t change it, even though I’ve never been more rewarded in my life. Even though I appreciate him immensely.
It’s taken me a long time to lower the bar, a long time to count two simultaneous naps as an achievement. It’s taken a long time because I’m hard on myself, maybe we all are. Motherhood reignited a flame within me, yes, but on those harder days it feels like there’s no oxygen and the flame is struggling.
This isn’t the mess that bothers me, it’s the mess in my head I think we forget to talk about sometimes.
Maybe because we think it makes us seem ungrateful?
Maybe because we are still yet to truly place value on the work we are doing at home raising these tiny humans?
Maybe because we compare ourselves to others and forget their mess is swept out of the frame?
Maybe there are a few teary cars driving about with kids in the back right now.
We’re all going through it in some way or another.
Cup’s overflowing with love.
Cup’s sitting stagnant in the microwave.
We’re all a little tired, a little lost, a little messy.