Most nights as I get into bed I turn off my bedside lamp and lie there, not asleep nor awake.. knowing I’ll be up soon.
The last week, this has been my spot and there has been swearing, tears, furiously checking leap apps and a whole lot of throwing back the covers.
As you know, sleep around here is a novelty. If by some miracle chance they both sleep through it’s always the first thing we talk about in the morning. Like “WOW, that was a good night”, “how do you feel”? As if we just won lotto or something, I imagine the feeling would be comparable. Then we try and retrace what we did as if we had any real control over it.
But that’s not usually the case, usually it’s up at the butt crack of dawn dreaming of having a solid dream...Silver lining, (coffee never tasted better on those mornings.) While I know one day this will all be a distant memory it doesn’t make it any easier at the time. Not when you know what’s ahead of you for the day and sometimes just the thought of it is enough to want the ground to open up and swallow you.
Also why do they always look so fresh in the morning? Isn’t that just salt in the sleep deprived wounds?
Despite “tired”, being my answer to, “how are you?” I decided to stop worrying about the books and the noise about what I SHOULD be doing to have her sleep through long ago. The more I read those the less I read her and intuition can’t be found on a page.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also had some amazing advice, but this is us here, it’s where we end up, regardless.
Through all the books and articles in the early days I’ve realised parenting isn’t some formula you need to crack, It’s a constant equation and a lot of head scratching but a forever multiplying heart, one I can lead and love with when I listen to it (without the admin).
I’ll never forget these sleepless nights and how drained I feel, but I feel a sense of comfort knowing my presence makes her feel safe.
She’s so small and new after all.
There will be people in her life that won’t show up for her, I don’t want to be the first.
She won’t remember these nights, no. But the feeling of me being there, I hope in some way she carries that with her.