Drowsy But Awake.... What?

I read a book once that said, “put them down drowsy, but awake”.

What the hell does that even mean?!

I agonised over that non committal saying.

I would stay up late and google what it meant only to feel more confused.

I’d then jump on sleep forums at all hours of the morning.

I’d message other mums to be hit with a bunch of different sleep routines.

I think trying to figure out what it all meant made me more tired than the sleep deprivation itself!

I looked down at her once positive that she was drowsy but still awake, yes surely she was still awake…so I leant over the cot, watching her face, pleading for a smooth transition only to be met with sirens the second she touched the mattress.

Must be doing it wrong, less drowsy, more awake maybe.

Oh the defeat of it all.

So I cuddled her.

I fed her.

I rocked her to sleep.

I patted her back.

I even got really good at transitioning her into the cot while she was still attached to the boob.

I was a rebel breaking all the “rules” by this point. My “manipulative” infant was going to be some codependent teenager still wanting to sleep in my bed, surely!

I won’t lie, my husband and I used some big words for those small hours of the morning. I didn’t spring out of bed with excitement to meet my instincts of holding my baby.

Oh no.

I was angry, tired, annoyed, tearful, I was exhausted.

But it still felt right to go to her and that’s all I can put it down to.

I wish I had seen more of the,

“It’s normal they cry out for you in the night”.

“It’s normal they want to be held”.

“It’s normal they need you”.

Because if it feels right, how could it not be?

And the world didn’t implode.

We all sleep now, but I still wait for toddler feet to shuffle down the hallway towards our room.

I won’t always.

There will come a time…

But I guess all we have is what feels right at the time.

There are no rules.

This too shall pass, that I can promise.