How Having a Third Changed Me

I could talk about all the ways a third means you’re outnumbered, how the juggle of your heart, mind, and mental load only leaves room for quick fire decisions, and an exhaustion you never knew. I could talk about how the giving never feels like enough, someone is always needing, someone is usually crying. There’s yelling (sometimes over the baby’s head). They know you’re one person, and yet they’re too young to fully comprehend that. I could talk about the overuse of the bouncer, the naps in the carrier, and how life suddenly feels like a tornado around you while you’re in slow motion. But I could also talk about how the world doesn’t implode when things are forgotten and how maybe I needed that reminder, how things being a little more up in the air has simultaneously grounded me. I could talk about my lack of confidence to take all 3 on outings alone just yet. How it’s meant for a lot of togetherness at home instead. But laughter still fills the yard and memories are still being made. The simplicity is settling. I could talk about the night wakes being easier. Not just because I’m used to it, but because they’re our moments. She’s not feeding wide eyed with screaming and chaos around her. It’s just us in the quiet of my future best memories. I could talk about how my body has changed the most this time around, but also how I’m comfortable in my new size. It still feels a bit foreign, but my body has given me a lot. I could talk about how fast this is going. And this time it really is. She’s rolling over now, and I’m not fixated this time as to when she’ll reach a milestone. It’s taken two for me to realise I don’t need to rush moments through, time will do that for me. I could talk about her room being unfinished, her clothes being mismatched, and how she gets a little more floor time than I would like, but then she flashes me that just-woken-up smile and none of it matters. I know I can’t be everything to everyone, all at one time. But this third time? It’s given me the grace to realise I don’t have to be, and I’m a better version of myself because of it. This hard has been my happiest. So I guess I could talk about that.

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