This morning my husband and I argued over who deserved a shower, which turned into a contest of who smelt the most, who even are we? Definitely not a conversation for a first date.
He left with a quick peck of resentment from smelly me.
The rest of the day I felt so busy yet entirely dazed from lack of sleep, “just go to the toilet?!” “Just eat your food”, “Stop arguing!” “What’s wrong now?!”.... and I started wondering when I last walked the dog or when I should book the kids into swimming until the dishwasher beeped.
Being a stay at home Mum doesn’t look so hard on paper, cooking and cleaning, caring and needing, the giving... the constant giving.
Not to mention the dividing your brain up to think for others, there’s no additional brain cells allocated for this… none.
Of course it’s a privilege, it can still be hard some days.
I took them out and I spent most of the time hovering above myself watching them scream at each other in a café to see who could yell the loudest, I didn’t join in of course because of public shame. Then their chocolate drinks arrived and Holly said “Thank you Daddy” to the waiter and we all laughed and things were OK for a moment.
But I wondered how on earth I threw out the notion of a third last night, when today my head was barely above water.
I caught my breath on the car ride home (side note, sometimes I drive around long enough so they sleep and I can think.) But it was too late in the day and I remembered the house was probably a tip.
When hubby got home I mumbled something to him about his ridiculous washing piles (welcome home). But as always his arms were open, ready to help and here I was, this frazzled monster daring him to walk through fire to hug me.
And so we got on with the night routine, sometimes it feels like there’s dividing lines between us even though we’re in the same lane.
When I got into bed that night I wanted to say,
“Thank you for being you”
“I am completely entangled in motherhood right now, but it’s still me, I’m here”
“Without you the ground would open up and I’d keep falling”
But instead I reminded him I’d be showering in the morning.
And we gave each other a kiss goodnight.