You know when your partner says he has to stop somewhere on the way home from work and the text comes through in the shape of a knife?
It’s not because you’re incapable.
It’s because you’ve been at capacity since 11:00am, and they really do feel like the longest 10 minutes of your life.
You know when someone asks after the kids but you also wish they’d ask how you were doing? You’re the one holding it together, the one unpacking bags, thoughts and feelings.
It’s not because you’re selfish.
It’s because the mother needs mothering too.
You know how you don’t get the invite sometimes and it’s probably because you say "no" a lot. And so you feel a little empty and resentful?
It’s not because you’re being petty.
It’s because you want people to see you through all the unseen, even if you forget to see yourself.
You know how you keep numbers in your head like birth weights and play dates, milestones and appointments, and you find it hard to hand any of it over?
It’s not because you’re a control freak.
It’s because it has always fallen on you, and even though you have a supportive partner, you know you’ll somehow always carry that weight.
You know how you flip your head forward in the morning and tie your hair into something that resembles goodness knows what, and someone mentions something about self care?
It’s not because you’re not trying.
It’s because maybe their village looks different to yours.
You know how they say to enjoy every minute, but you’re literally giving so much of your energy right now. This is what happens when you become a mother. You give and you give and you give until it feels like there's not a lot left.
It’s not because you’re ungrateful.
It’s because this is the reality some days, this is a season.
We are held when we're small, but sometimes not enough when we feel small.
I know, because same.