Dearest Friend, It's Still Me...
Updated: Jan 9
It’s still me.
Well sort of.
I’m here but but another version entirely.
I’m in a bubble of longing and love.
I know you messaged me this morning, or was it yesterday? It’s all a bit of a blur and my phones buried somewhere on my bedside table that has never felt so small.
I so badly want to reconnect with you, I want to reconnect with me too. Not to mention my husband.. there’s always a beautiful little bundle of sleepy breath and squawks between us. Our eyes say so much more now than our mouths ever could.
I’m cancelling a lot and it’s hard to say why, the anxiety has held me prisoner here a bit and I want to talk about nothing, and everything. I want to pour a wine and laugh with you. But I don’t know how to be her just yet.
I also want to try and get some sleep, I never realised how much I would miss sleep. Even when I’m able to I’m scrolling through photos or checking if he's breathing in his cot. I’ve never had such fulfillment but I still feel a bit empty sometimes, even though the room is full, even though my heart is too.
I’m still accepting that my milestones now are first smiles, the way he now looks at me in true focus, I told my husband he must definitely know I'm his mother by now.
I wonder if there will be anything else I can talk about, I wonder if I can even focus on anything else right now. I think some days I still truly waiting for this to all actually hit me.
I'm a mother now.
My nights aren’t popping bottles, they’re pouring expressed milk into them or figuring out the latch (and I’m just not ready to attempt this in front of anyone right now). I've been poked and prodded and nipples stuffed into mouths and I just need some time to heal, physically and mentally. I’m not swinging past cafes, I’m heading to postpartum appointments. I’m trying to find time to eat a full meal, or shower, all those things that were just muscle memory now need proper planing.
I’m not waking up with a hangover and texting you straight away about last nights antics, instead I’m waking feeling as though I never slept, still feeling hungover but it’s the baby who’s been drinking all night. I’m busy thinking about room temperatures and upsizing baby clothes already and how many other ways I can defend my need to go to my child when they cry. I’m thinking about if my maternity pad would show through leggings if I was to step out of the house.
The house is a mess and so is my brain, there's stuff everywhere and I can't get to any of it. I know you don't care about any of that, but I still do. I'm learning to lower the bar, one day at a time.
My bones ache my heart aches and I also have a headache, I think from this constant mum bun my hair just stays in. I’m not sure I can hold it all together, I know I don’t have to with you, but right now I just need to.
I’ve cried a lot, sometimes I don’t even know why. I’m having conversations with this tiny perplexed face who isn’t talking back yet.
This is my life right now, nap schedules, dressing gowns at 2pm, google searches, doctors appointments and a constant reminder that my phone storage is full. It’s hard to swallow but I want to inhale it all.
But here I am talking about me, I want to talk about you too.
Oh it’s a whirl friend friend, but one I’m glad to be caught up in.
Please keep inviting me out.
Please keep checking in.
It means more than the huge gap between my responses I can assure you.
It’s hard to explain, but one day soon I’ll try.
I’ll be back, in some shape or form.