I love you, and sometimes I miss me.
I miss thoughts that aren’t broken. Conversations that aren’t always interrupted. I miss being able to finish a sentence without stopping midway to scramble for a word I use every day.
I love you, and I miss spontaneity, the way I used to dream ridiculous things with the notion they might actually happen that very next day. I miss throwing caution to the wind and not being so accountable all the time.
I love you, and I miss sleep, I am worn thin, in love, and in this labour of love. It’s the hardest thing I will ever do, yet it’s never been easier loving you. But my eyes are open so often through the night that I wake up feeling broken, digging my heels into what feels like glass for another day.
I love you, and I miss slow Sundays, the turbulence of our days sometimes have me barely recognising myself in the mirror. The way I don’t recognise my voice sometimes, the way I know I shouldn’t have yelled, the way your forgiveness somehow hurts more.
I love you, and I miss not worrying so much. The world used to scare me, and now it petrifies me, because I can’t shelter you in these arms forever, I can’t protect you from pain. You’ll feel it all and so will I, your happiness will make my heart shift and your sadness will lodge itself there too.
I love you, and I miss not sharing my food, my body, my bed. And yet these are all the things I love more than ever, but I miss alone time also, and I miss eating a meal that isn’t rushed, so I can taste it, talk with my husband before 9pm about things other than our to do list.
I miss these things sometimes.
And yet, these things pale in comparison to watching you smile when you achieve something, the way your eyes flutter closed as I’m stroking your forehead, the way I watch you be brave, or caring, or curious.
The way - in some ways - I feel more ‘me’ than ever with you.
It’s the busiest I’ve ever been, and yet it’s gradual and gentle.
I love you.
I would choose you every time, I’m just finding little ways to choose me too right now, so I can be better.
For me,
For you.
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