I spend a lot of time worrying about the places we will go.
The stimuli.
The crowds.
I then blame myself for worrying too much.
I am captivated and worn down by his nature all at once, and outings are no different.
“It feels itchy”
“It’s too loud”
“I don’t want shooeeeees”
They all might sound like normal trademarks of a 3 year old, but with a highly sensitive child, situations can go from 1 to 10 very quickly, and the path of egg shells awaits.
There’s a lot of crying too.
Duets of them.
A lot of apologising to strangers when I know I don’t have to.
I want to desensitise him to life and protect him from it.
When I sung a slow song to him at only a few months old he quietly cried, loud noises would rock him while other babies barely noticed, his intuition has always amazed me and he feels the moods of others around him.
Sometimes it’s all too heavy, so I sit beside him.
Sometimes I feel like that’s the only power I have.
I’ve caught myself wondering when things will get easier.
I’ve found myself crumbling on the floor.
But I don’t know anyone with the heart he has, the empathy, he has no filter on his feelings. Just like when he’s upset, it doesn’t matter who’s watching when his emotions take hold.
Not unlike a mother’s love.
His sadness can stretch to the ocean floor.
And his happiness cannot be contained.
I have realised through him that we are both deep feelers, he is still working out how to express that, I am still working out how to receive it.
During his meltdowns I’ve been told,
To ignore him.
To stop placating him.
To reprimand.
I guess that would be easier than the strength it takes to open your arms when you want to fall to pieces instead.
I know.
But we keep giving our love, our empathy and compassion, so we can watch them soar.
He traced my cheek with his little hand one time after a difficult afternoon, as if he wanted to remember me in that moment. And only moments before, I was wanting to forget.
Then he said, “I love you all day long mummy”.
I know he picked me because I was strong enough,
because I needed to learn through him,
because I deserved this kind of love.
“I love you all day long too”, I said, and the day melted away.