My Friend Messaged Me After I Had a Baby...

My friend messaged me after I had a baby, “how are you?” her message read.

I responded,

“It’s harder than I thought, some moments I’m swept up in the beauty of motherhood, others I’m dragging myself around in a coffee-stained dressing gown with unwashed hair.

I know people say to take some time out for me, but in this season of being so needed I don’t know how.

I’m more tired than I ever imagined, though I could trace their tiny features for hours, I could watch the way a sneeze crinkles their eyes and takes them by surprise.

But I also feel a little lost at times, yet they are a seed in my bones, and I have never been more found.

Some days I sit in shadows and other’s the light fills me up inside and together we grow and grow.

My body aches, from birth, for the girl I once was, for sleep, for their scent. The shower feels like a break, though I always feel hurried.

Makes no sense, does it?

Some days I feel as if I’m not achieving much and yet I am rushed off my feet. Years can pass through these four walls in mere minutes.

My mind is all over the place, I want to press pause and yet I am already in awe of who they’re becoming. We’re still figuring this whole thing out together, and yet it’s like I’ve known them forever. I feel a new type of wholeness, of being complete, but some days I just feel empty,

does this make any sense?

I’d love some time alone, but I am entangled in them, and yet that’s how I want it.

My heart would be fumbling around in the dark without them.

That’s another thing I wanted to tell you.. I’ve never thought with my heart so much, I’ve never seen so much with it either.

I’m not ready to have visitors just yet, but I miss you, I really do.

Thanks for checking in.”

But I didn’t.

Instead, I told her we were great, my baby was simply a dream, and that we couldn’t wait to see her.

Then I hit send.

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Words written for Atlas of Motherhood by Jess Urlichs