My kitchen is much cleaner these days.
But my brain is still a mess.
I no longer feel around for the echo of my former self. She’s always been here, though she’s changed. It’s because of them I like her more. I’m not looking forward as much, as I am looking back. Dreaming of them tomorrow and wanting to bookmark the version of them today.
Getting more of me back and losing their littleness with it. I’m no longer tired from the newborn fog. But now from disaster outings, running after them, changing muddy clothes, pushing them on their bikes, holding small hands and regulating big emotions (mostly mine). Things that make me smile and sigh. I don’t see the world as I once did. I see it through their eyes now. I’ve seen the house from all levels and angles. The many times I’ve noticed the ceiling or the imperfections and dust on our skirting boards from crawling around the hallway. The view wasn’t perfect, yet it was. I don’t doubt myself as often, But I worry beyond doubt. About them, about who I want to be for them, about a shitty day that leaves my eyes open a little longer before I fall asleep. My husband and I are no longer ships in the night, but anchors through the small triumphs and losses, actually, we always were. Their tiny bodies don’t lay on my chest as often, but when they do I am unearthed beneath them , I feel the landscape of my heart in theirs. I’m not trying to work out their cries anymore, They can tell me what’s wrong. But there’s still lots of falling to pieces, some days I want to join them. I don’t cry as often But I definitely swear more. I also laugh more and smile more and also turn the TV on more than I ever thought I would. I’m not tip toeing around the house while they nap, there are no naps. But lots of noise, it’s always noisy, someone always wants a snack or is upset with the other. And the click clack of files in my brain are noisy too. In some ways things get easier,
but mostly they just get different.
I can say it’s just me they need, and still want to be better.
I can say, this is amazing and this is hard. I can say I’m not as exhausted But tired as ever, and never more in love.