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  • Writer's pictureJessica Urlichs

It's Not That Hard to be a Perfect Mum...

Updated: Aug 20, 2022


Not MY child

They won’t tear me a new one

I’ll just breathe them out

And all natural, hon.


Not MY child

He won’t be fussy

He’ll eat what I give him

Or he’ll go to bed hungry.


Not MY child

Keep it only organic

No sweets or treats

It’s not hard if you plan it.


Not MY child

I mean, there’s no judgement

But they’ll fit into MY lifestyle

An easy adjustment.


Not MY child

They’ll be potty trained instantly

No public butt sniffing

I mean where is the dignity?


Not MY child

They will sleep through the night

Oh, except to use the potty

I mentioned that, right?


Not MY child

She’ll always be stylish

No ugly bright colours

I mean it seems a bit childish.


Not MY child

They will happily oblige

They’ll do what I tell them

There’ll be no need for bribes.


Not MY child

No coloured plastic toys

Heuristic play only

And none that make noise.


Not MY child

How hard can it be

To be showered, dressed and ready

Before the hour of 3?


Not MY child

Making a mess of my home

Or 1637484 photos

Of them on my phone.


Not MY child

They won’t tantrum you see

From the moment they’re born

I’ll set firm boundaries.


Not MY child

Watching screens on the floor

They can frolic in nature

Spend their life outdoors.


Not MY child

Well, heaven forbid

We’re all “perfect mums”

Before we have kids.


Words: @jessurlichs_writer ‘My After All’ poetry book, purchase here

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