Not MY child
They won’t tear me a new one
I’ll just breathe them out
And all natural, hon.
Not MY child
He won’t be fussy
He’ll eat what I give him
Or he’ll go to bed hungry.
Not MY child
Keep it only organic
No sweets or treats
It’s not hard if you plan it.
Not MY child
I mean, there’s no judgement
But they’ll fit into MY lifestyle
An easy adjustment.
Not MY child
They’ll be potty trained instantly
No public butt sniffing
I mean where is the dignity?
Not MY child
They will sleep through the night
Oh, except to use the potty
I mentioned that, right?
Not MY child
She’ll always be stylish
No ugly bright colours
I mean it seems a bit childish.
Not MY child
They will happily oblige
They’ll do what I tell them
There’ll be no need for bribes.
Not MY child
No coloured plastic toys
Heuristic play only
And none that make noise.
Not MY child
How hard can it be
To be showered, dressed and ready
Before the hour of 3?
Not MY child
Making a mess of my home
Or 1637484 photos
Of them on my phone.
Not MY child
They won’t tantrum you see
From the moment they’re born
I’ll set firm boundaries.
Not MY child
Watching screens on the floor
They can frolic in nature
Spend their life outdoors.
Not MY child
Well, heaven forbid
We’re all “perfect mums”
Before we have kids.
Words: @jessurlichs_writer ‘My After All’ poetry book, purchase here
Artwork: @charlie_mamas of @jamfarlillian
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