• Jessica Urlichs

My Name is Mum




Sometimes I think I’m an introvert, often I get those anxious waves. But I’m constantly told by others I’m an extrovert, at least I used to be.


Sometimes I still feel like I have my youth. But these last two years have aged me, my mind is still with my younger body.


I used to think I was organised and clean, but now I forget the day of the week and my cleaning efforts are wiping the sink with my hands while I wash them after nappy changes.


I used to be a motivated energetic person. Now everything’s a bit foggy. I can’t remember the last time I had pure energy that wasn’t handed to me in a steaming mug.


I think I’m a sensitive person, but I also swear like a sailor. I’m in touch with my feelings, but I sometimes suppress them too.


Some days I win at the gentle parenting gig, others I’m yelly Mum. I always hope they remember the cuddles more than the yelling.


Some days I’m really observant, I’ll spot a stain on the carpet a mile away, but others I can’t remember little milestones as they pass the baton between phases so quickly.


Sometimes when someone asks me what I do I say “I’m JUST a stay at home mum”. I know I’m climbing mountains over here, but I’m still dreaming even bigger. Sometimes I feel admitting that makes me ungrateful.


Sometimes it bothers me that people may not like me. I worry about it.

Other days I think 'argh who bloody cares', I’m not changing who I am or making myself smaller for someone else.


I’ve always been pretty positive, but I also feel quite negative at times. When I wake up with no set plans for the day I feel the rain clouds drifting closer.


Some days I put on some makeup, my husband will tell me I look great and I love hearing it. But part of me is still withdrawn. I still feel like I belong so much to the kids and I’m struggling to find the me in “mum”.

.

Some days I feel complete, others completely alone.


Some days I ache, the kind within. It’s this new love I’m feeling. The kind so big it hurts.


It’s a no wonder we say postpartum pulls you apart and rearranges you. I’m still being rearranged, every day.

Maybe I’ll never fit into a little box.

Maybe being a little all over the place is fine.

Maybe that’s the whole point.

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