I open the door with my elbow for the dog to come in, there’s screaming inside, my hands are full of laundry and he just sits there like an idiot. Fair enough I think, I wouldn’t want to come in either, so I drop the laundry and slam it shut.
These are the less than perfect days.
The ones you don’t think happen to other mums.
The ones that do.
Where your ears are ringing, the tv noise is making things worse, and your voice is constantly raised.
Today I was tired, today there was non stop squabbling, shouting, mess, crying.
You know the thing you should say, the way you should respond, you’ve read those gentle parenting articles … but overwhelm rises in your throat and before you choke on it you yell. Because for the smallest most tiniest moment it feels good to be heard, and then everyone’s crying.
So your heart breaks and you comfort the tears you made, and how messed up does that feel?
I know some days are hard and it can feel harder trying to explain why. I get it.
I know it feels impossible to live up to the standards of modern day motherhood, so pockets of guilt within you open up when you least expect it. I get it.
I know some days it feels like you’re missing something when everything that truly matters to you is right there. I get that too.
I know some days feel monotonous.
I know sometimes you look in the mirror and think, has that stain been on my top all day?!
I know at times it feels like you can’t pin a thought down, and you just want to process one thought, just one, from start to finish.
I know you want to be present but wish someone would tell you HOW when the mental load hits you from every direction like one giant pin board.
I know.
But I also know how much you love them, wow do you love them.
I apologize.
I hug them a bit longer.
I open the door to the dog again, he checks the coast is clear and decides to come in.
‘Come join the chaos’ I think, but it’s our chaos.
No perfect ending here, some days just aren’t.
Just letting you know if you’ve had one of those days today, same.
Tomorrow we try again.
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