Trying To Be Present
Imagine all the things we didn’t have to do, like the dishes and the washing and cleaning up after tiny humans, rushing around to quickly wipe hands before they find the couch.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be present and push those things aside and be in the moment.
BE IN THE MOMENT.
I’ll admit, I find that so hard.
I still have this NEED to tick things off a list to feel as if I’ve achieved something, yet at the end of the day when I’m lying in bed it’s not the chores I got done that make me smile.
And I know this and yet...
I still get so frustrated with them when I can’t get to them, as if they’re keeping me from my chores, like THEY are a chore.
Oh and the guilt from that!
It’s hard when one job becomes two then suddenly ten and all of a sudden you realise you’ll only ever chase your tail until tomorrow where you’ll do it all over again.
It’s no trade off though is it? I mean, it all seems so petty when the reward is having children. But the things that made you tick before babies are all of a sudden replaced and regardless that takes some getting used to.
They make me tick.
But I need to do things for me too.
And it’s hard to accept that sometimes those things are just getting the washing on the line, the new norm!
I had two little innocent faces looking at me today when I broke down at smeared egg all through our shaggy rug, it’s beyond saving.
I think I’ll throw it out.
I liked that rug.
I don’t want to be too exhausted for play, or pick up my phone to escape for a moment or sigh at another “mummyyyy” when I’m trying to go to the toilet.
But I am today, because some days are just hard.
It’s the hardest job in the world, because it’s the most rewarding job in the world, because it doesn’t always feel like that, even though you know it is, even though you’d have it no other way, even though you’d kill for a moment alone, even though you can’t be without them.
It’s hard, it’s lonely, it’s beautiful, it’s messy.
All of it.