Today I felt lost.
My head was throbbing from the rough night before and the day turned into chaos.
I had them both tugging at each leg while I was trying to get lunch ready, one crying and overtired, the other I didn’t really know why.
There was just so much needing me.
So so much needing.
Even the cat was howling at me.
The washing was beeping
The fridge door was beeping.
Must everything beep?
And screech?
And touch me?
It all felt too much.
Between life admin and a day of losing, I just fell to pieces on the kitchen floor.
I was pushed and pulled in so many different directions that I broke.
I just broke.
I didn’t want to wear my brave face in that moment.
So I didn’t.
Then two soft voices said “mummy”,
My heart and soul.
And I wondered how that word could ever make me want to tear my hair out, but moments ago it did.
I just wanted to be alone.
So when my husband got home that evening I marched my dinner into the bedroom and sat there on the bed.
I could still hear them calling for me and I just shut my eyes.
Then the whole house softened a little and I took a breath.
Some days are heavy, really heavy.
But I realised, this was my dream, it really was.
Everything we had hoped for we had.
Them.
Even through the mess and tears and the days we had to squeeze each others hands a little tighter.
It wasn’t perfect but who said it was meant to be.
So I took my half eaten plate back out to the dining room and sat down with my family.
And just like that, all is forgiven.
Some days give me life and others make me wonder who I am.
And if I’m honest I don’t really know now without them.
But as they say,
“You’re not lost,
You’re here”.